How Porn Destroyed My Self-Esteem

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7 months pregnant with my 5th child (Oct 2013). Photo credit: Gwen Alapag-Spiller

In the past couple of years, I’ve watched my body changing. I’ve put on more weight than I’ve ever have. I’m almost the weight I was at full term pregnancy. I tease my husband, telling him he gets to see what I look like pregnant without me being pregnant. He doesn’t really like me talking like that. I started thinking why have I’ve put on weight, when for years I couldn’t? I had five babies but couldn’t keep the weight on. Maybe it’s good genes that I didn’t gain weight earlier? Maybe it’s because I’m older that I’m putting on weight now?

Thinking back and wondering, when did I start to gain weight? I always felt it was while working on my masters, late night studying and eating junk food to stay awake to finish assignments. This is probably part of the reason. Then I realized that’s when I first met my second husband, Keola. It’s the first time in a long time that I felt safe about being who I was, in the body I had.

October (2017)

Recently, I realized that I didn’t gain weight before because I feared that, if I got fat, my husband would leave me. I would hear him tell others again and again, that he married a Japanese girl because she wouldn’t blow up with her pregnancies. So I was extra conscious of my body weight. With Keola, I have never worried if he loved me for me or for my body. The way Keola looks at me is different, I know he loves me for who I am. I am truly grateful for his love.

My Keola loves me for ME. <3

This is my story of how porn destroyed my self-esteem.

For some reason, I always seemed to be pregnant when one of the “Fast and Furious” movies came out. As I watched on the big screen, the many beautiful women in their skimpy outfits showing off their beautiful bodies, I’d look at my husband enjoying the view and instantly felt so self conscious of my growing belly. I felt fat and ugly. I wanted to be thin and beautiful so my husband would look at me the same way.

My first baby and I (Dec 2003)

After each baby, my breast would fill up with milk and I would actually have cleavage. My breast were round and large. My confidence in my body grew. My first husband was a boob man, now with full breasts, he looked at me differently and liked what he saw. I lost my baby weight pretty quickly and I had boobs. I liked my body and so did my husband. I was happy. Or I thought I was.

My 1st and 2nd babies and me. (2005)

After I weaned each child, my breast would shrink again. It felt like it got smaller than before. My husband didn’t look at me the same each time my breast shrunk.

After weening my fourth baby, I didn’t want any more babies, I was exhausted. My breast were so small that I couldn’t even fit an A cup. I felt strong then and decided to rebel against bras. What were bras for? Support right? But what if there is nothing to support?!

I find it interesting that when a woman’s nipples can be seen through her clothes it is more obscene than when a women’s cleavage is out for the whole world to see. I had no cleavage but after nursing four babies, my nipples were not easy to hide. For me the only reason I had to wear a tight uncomfortable band around my chest was to cover my “obscene nipples.” This made me mad. I hated bras. They didn’t fit. They were uncomfortable. AND all the bras in my size were NOT pretty. The only bras Victoria Secrets could offer me were padded.

What did the padded bra say to me? You are not good enough so let’s pretend you have something you really don’t have because it is better to have boobs. I hated the feeling that my body was not good enough. I wanted to be strong and embrace my body and accept what God gave me.

My 2nd child and I (Dec 2012). I probably didn’t have a bra on in this picture.

So for one full year, I went bra-less. I had to change the way I dressed and be more conscious about what I wore so that I could still be modest and not obscene. It was not easy.

This “no bra rebellion” was something I felt I needed to do to help with my self-esteem. My husband at that time thought it was silly but he also didn’t seem to care. Now that I look back, it was also when he seemed to really start to lose interest in me. A boob guy with a boob-less wife. If he couldn’t enjoy looking at his wife, he could enjoy looking else where. His desire for porn grew.

2012 I was so skinny again after 4 babies!

I was trying so desperately to build my self-esteem about my body image against what the world views as beautiful while my husband sought a woman’s body I was fighting against. As his porn desires and habits grew, my self-esteem shattered, especially when he asked if I’d consider getting a boob job.

I’m too practical. I refused to get a boob job on my credit card and go into debt for boobs. I rather spend that much money to take my kids on a trip than get new boobs. I often thought about changing my body for my husband but it just didn’t feel right. What would I tell my daughters if they had breasts like my own? I couldn’t do it.

My 5th baby and I (2014)

So if I won’t get new breasts how do I get my husband’s attention? He wanted a woman like the ones he watched online. I figured if I was skinny he would love me. Those women had big boobs but they were also skinny. I could be skinny. I could do the things they did. I could get his attention that way!

When my brother saw this picture of me on Facebook he commented, “You lost a lot of weight. You ok?” I don’t know how he could see that from this picture but he was right, I did lose a lot of weight and I was not ok.

I tried to be his personal porn star. I despised it, but I watched porn to learn to be the woman he wanted. But his molly Mormon wife was never enough. I didn’t do things right. There were things I just couldn’t do. I couldn’t give my life to learning to be the real porn star he wanted, I had children to take care of.

I would cry a lot. Cry because I disappointed him with my lack of skills. Cry because I couldn’t make him happy. Cry because if I couldn’t do it, he would find another woman that could. Cry because I couldn’t get my husband to love me. Cry because I wasn’t good enough.

I don’t blame my ex-husband for making me feel this way. I blame porn. Porn for putting images of women with fake bodies into men’s heads and hearts. Porn for making women ACT happy and unnatural as they do things to ensure that their men are happy and ALL their physical desires are met. I blame porn for making women be less of a person and more of an object. I hate porn and how for a time, it destroyed the person I was meant to be.

It took a while to build my self-esteem back up and to feel confident in my body and mind. I’m grateful to be in a better place now with a man who thinks porn is fake and stupid. Porn destroys love, relationships, and families. Learn more at Fight the New Drug and join me in war against porn.

Being a wife of a sex or porn addict can be a very lonely and dark place. I’ve created a secret and safe Facebook Group for women to share their feelings and ask questions to other women who have or currently experiencing being married to a porn addict. Please fill out the form below or contact me personally to join this secret Facebook group because you won’t find it by searching for it.

Other posts you may want to read: I Want to be Happy Again But I Hurt So Much

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36 thoughts on “How Porn Destroyed My Self-Esteem

    1. Thank you for your comments. I’m grateful I eventually figured out that I am deserving of real love. Love that goes both ways. ❤️

  1. You have been through so much. It’s fantastic that you’ve realized that you don’t need to be anything but yourself. Good for you.

    1. Right?! I never expected so many body changes that were just part of being a woman. 😆 But Im grateful for being a woman because our bodies are amazing! ❤️

    1. Thank you! I hope my experiences are able to help others who feel they can not speak to anyone about the things they are experiencing. It’s a lonely place to be…

  2. This is an amazing and raw post. A woman’s body is absolutely amazing and able to go through so many changes. Comparing you to those women online is unfair and to me it is his loss. I doubt he will ever find a real life women like the ones that we watches online. Be yourself… You are amazing…

    1. Thank you! ❤️❤️❤️ I agree our bodies are amazing! Babies have grown inside of me and I was able to feed all of them with my own body! Now what man can say the same? 😉

  3. Thank you for sharing such a personal story. Our relationships with our bodies can be complicated. I’m glad that you shared this. It can really help someone experiencing something similar.

  4. You are amazing for sharing this. Sharing our stories is so helpful for those who may be in the same situation. I hope your story helps someone.

    1. Me too! I hope my post reaches that person who needs this story the most. Thanks for taking the time to read it. 💕

  5. That was an extremely raw post – wow! Kudos to you for being so candid and open. I’m sure it is finding its way to the right ears and those who need the encouragement.

    1. Thank you! I pray it is reaching the right people too. It’s a lonely place to be when you think no one understands. Thanks again for your kind comments.

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. I do pray I may be able to reach these struggling women. Thanks again! 💕

  6. Such a brave and raw post. So many thoughts on this. How sad that men’s nipples can show thru their clothing, but it’s obscene if ours do. I’m glad that you have found someone who appreciates you for who you are and not what you look like. Because looks are fleeting in both men and women.

    1. You are sooo right that men can show their nipples and we can’t. That’s probably cause us women don’t get excited by their nipples. Ha! Yes! As we get older if there isn’t true love then we will be disappointed as our looks continue to change! Thank you so much for you comment!

  7. What an open and honest post and there were a lot of things I could relate too. I am weaning our second child and wish my boobs would stay the way they were. Luckily my hubby tells me I’m pretty enough that I don’t get self conscious. I think I was much more confident in my body before kids. Being healthy is most important and I think once I start exercising I’ll fee much better.

    1. Sounds like you have a husband that loves you very much! You are right we still need to feel confident in our own body especially as it changes with each child. I like to focus on the fact that our bodies are AMAZING!!! We were able to create a human inside of us and then after baby is born feed our beautiful creation with the same body! What man can say that? 😉

  8. Thank you!. I knew you both at one time. He and I were in the same writing class, and we were in the same ward ! Oh how good we are at masking our pain and agony ! I’m just sorry that I see .

    1. When you knew the both of us, I was so ignorant about porn. I was clueless about the negative affects porn had on the individual viewing it and those around them. Things weren’t as bad when were were still young in our marriage but the signs were there. I wish I was not so ignorant but I had no one to talk to because porn is such a hush hush topic. We had many good times and many good memories together, especially in TVA so many of my smiles were real but yes, I was already struggling inside. We all have our choices to make in life, I choose light and happiness. Thank you for your love and friendship!

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